Don't Hide Behind The Skirt Of HR

Last week, a 40-minute phone call with an online store that lost my order tested every ounce of my patience. The beginning of the call began with a number of questions from me. It ended with the unmitigated response from them, "I'm sorry. I don't know. Check back in a couple of days."

Powerless to combat their excuse of downed servers, I chose not to have a fit, or to ask for a manager. I chose to wait for further instructions from the power that be. I also chose to fuss and fume to anyone within earshot. Then I thought of my mom.

My mom would not have been as tolerant. If she had been in the same room, I would have been better off handing the phone over to her. No one messes with my mom. If she thinks you are messing with her, she does not hold back her impatient tone of aggravation.

You name it:
Store clerks who call her "ma'am" or who have no knowledge of their products.
Customer service folks on the phone that cannot assist her.
People that flaunt their pedigrees, or are pompous.
Bosses that are dumb.
Those that write blog posts about her. (Hi Mom)
...All will suffer her wrath.

Those who suffer the worse are those who mess with her kids. Neighborhood bullies and their parents, vindictive teachers, uncompassionate doctors have felt the fear of evoking further her furious anger, and have complied with her wishes. 

With a parent like this, it would have been easy to let her fight all of my battles for the rest of my life.  If I wanted, I could've been like one of those shy kids you always meet; when approached they cling to the parent's leg from behind, hiding with one eye looking down and another suspicious eye at you. But I didn't want that. I was anxious to be an adult: to live on my own, make my own living, make good choices, make bad choices, and be solely responsible.

Using parent-child analogies may be semi-disingenuous since I never had kids. I have only been a child and only imagined what it's like to be a parent. Even though I didn't imagine myself in a parental role with actual children, I did imagine myself in that role working in Human Resources. In the past, I have alluded that a facet of HR is to sometimes act as a parent. Perhaps this is necessary sometimes. However, I no longer believe it's one of main facets or should be considered a default behavior by HR.

The reason is I don't work with children. I work with adults. Hence, I refuse to treat employees like children. If they act like children, I will consider a temporary parental role. However, my goal is to realign them with their adult selves so I don't have to act like a parent.

This is true for managers as well. Some want to act like parents with their direct reports. Some also want to resort to becoming children again and run to the parental HR to deal with their responsibilities. Also again, my goal is to realign them with their adult selves so I don't have to act like a parent.

There are many ways to do this. Here are some of my favorite things to say to regain that alignment:

• Breathe. Breathe now. And, if and when an employee is acting out, take two to five seconds to breathe, clear your thoughts before responding to anything.
• Remember: your employee's anxiety is not your anxiety. Just because they're acting out doesn't mean you need to follow suit, or always respond immediately with a solution to their concerns.  Managing requires assessing priorities, not just in workflow, but with the emotions of your direct reports.
• Remember: employees have high expectations of their managers and leaders. Some employees assume that leaders know how employees feel, or it's always the leader's responsibility to take care of them.

The premise of these thoughts is, as a leader, if you treat employees like children, you're training them to act like children. Adults have uncomfortable conversations. They also have productive conversations. They understand the context of work and the workplace. Adults prioritize their emotions. Adults are proactive. They don't elect for avoidance. Adults have partnerships.

HR can be a parent that instructs others on how to be parent. However, better HR is an adult. Adults respect the dynamic of each person. Adults do not always let you hide behind its skirt or pant leg. Adults tell you and show you how to be more responsible. Adults teach others how be adults.