Being Gay At Work: When I Think About It

Everyday that I go to work, I walk past the receptionist, say hi to co-workers, put my lunch in the refrigerator, sit at my desk, turn my computer on and I start doing what I'm supposed to do so dollars appear in my checking account every two weeks.  An exception to this is if maybe I rode my bike into work, I will change clothes first before sitting at my desk.  Oh, and I almost always get a cup of coffee.  And I do all of this without thinking once, gee I'm gay.

Actually there are a good number of things, actually most things, that I do without thinking, gee I'm gay.

But on occasion, I do. Here are a few in no specific order.

• When I have to turn in more paperwork than straight people to prove that I am in a relationship so that my partner can receive health benefits.
• When I receive my paycheck and it is substantially less because I have to pay taxes on the difference between single subscriber and subscriber/spouse health coverage because the federal government considers this imputed income.
• When I have to have meetings with Accounting because they are just not sure how to handle the issue of imputed income.
• When I read about ENDA and remember I can be lawfully fired right now because of my orientation.
• When someone asks me if I have a girlfriend.
• When someone is talking to me about their spouse, and I decide to share a similar story about my partner, and the pressure drops in the room and there is now an uncomfortable silence or stammering on their part.
• When there is a holiday party, and I could invite my partner, but I don't because ... I hate to say it ... I'm afraid.

I'm not afraid of being maimed.  I'm also not afraid of being fired.  I am afraid of losing respect and of the possible impending weirdness that will follow.

Yes I know I should buck up and not be concerned about this.  Especially since I know that many of my co-workers know that I'm gay and treat it is as nothing extraordinary.  But ask yourself, has ever bringing your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend to a holiday party caused you trepidation, simply because of their gender? And has it ever happened to you, that by bringing your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, caused you to lose the respect of your co-workers and/or superiors?  If not, I'm glad for you.

I'm glad you did not have to experience it.  Because it does happen. It happened to me in a previous joblife. And it sucked.

In May, I will turn 45. Over the course of this short life, I realize that what has occurred to me as a 45 year old gay man, is not the same thing that has occurred to a gay man who is either 65 or 25. I am pleased to see that each generation appears to be experiencing less prejudice. I doubt that I will see in my lifetime the people of the world treating each other without prejudice.  But as time goes on, less people will fuss and more people will realize gay people, just by being gay, are not ruining or will ruin the lives of straight people.

To be clear, I tell this to you all, not because I want a single shred of sympathy. Nor do I believe that your gay population at work is looking for your sympathy. 

Your gay population wants you to know: we are just like you; but we are not.

And that contradiction can sometimes keep us silent.  And that silence can lead to unhealthy behavior like being afraid of a holiday party.